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I sit here playing mind games, fiddling with bare threads, waiting for something to happen. A word. A movement. Nothing. I've made a pool out of the silence spilled over. I've carved my heart out on the tree. Then both are shattered. Like a poison arrow through frosted glass, I saw it's shadow before it pierced the blanket that wrapped me, over and over; each word foreign, unexpected, abrupt, meaningless. Try again. Try harder, keep trying until you fix this. I make sense but the words do not. We both know I've entangled myself in a web I cannot see. The more I struggle the deeper I'm caught, and you say "let go" but I cannot hear your voice. I am screaming, telling everyone that I'm drowning and no one knows why. | | |
| At four in the morning, after spending two hours acting fifteen years old again. Touching, but not too much. Close, but not close enough. My nose might press into your cheek when I laugh a little too hard, but our lips lie slightly out of line. "What are you thinking about?" Of course you know. But I say something that is not the curve of your face and is not the way your hair falls across your forehead and is not the heat of your hand pressed against my lower back. But it is. I know all of the motions like the back of my hand. And yet, it all feels new again. I'll pretend like I don't know how this ends. - don'tstopyourself @ xanga I got taupoked on the parade square today during war games. Thank God there was no blood, only several bruises. Anyway, orientation dry runs have been fun. I like being around people, even if few of them talk to me. When there are people around me, there're things going on and I don't think so much. I missed station games on Tuesday, and I was roped in by EA to help at one of their stations yesterday. Mari and Penny were there too so I had people to talk to and that's good, otherwise it would've been a lonely four hours. War games today were violent, especially the socks game and Strip Me If You Can (JAMIE AND THEODORE... YOU'LL GET IT FROM ME). HH got runner-up for socks and champs for Strip :) Oh, and I finally got to talk to Weixian and Zeb these two days. Weixian's got the best job for war games omgosh. She doesn't have to take part in the violence at all. And thanks Zeb for helping me out during the socks game! It's disheartening to think of the number of subjects x the amount of homework per subject. Or to think of what a failure I am at this. I know I'm not too good at taking critique but I'm really trying to hold it together and FORCE myself to do this. I know I've next to no talent; I'd be fine if they just told me that in the face. And let someone else take over. They'd do a much better job. OH AND AARON LENT ME BATTLE STUDIES (JOHN MAYER)! THANKS :) | | |
| I thought that I was dealing with it, but all I have been doing was running away. Now that the first day of school is drawing closer, I think the reality of twenty ten has finally sunk in. I can see which way this post is going: pessimistic. I'm trying not to be, but I think that the harder I try, the further I run away from reality. It's not healthy. I'm not changing any part of my attitude, I'm simply "casting my cares aside". In other words, I put the pile of work behind me, heck care the tests in week one, conveniently forget the song I have to write, ignore the fact that season is very very near and trainings (which I have not been attending) will be clashing with my serving slots and draining me of my energy on weekends... The only thing I'm kinda looking forward to is Orientation. It'll be tiring but, also complete and utter madness and fun. Awesome. Another great way to escape the harsh reality. Why is it that the only thing I seem to be good at doing is running away? I settle down
A twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile well
You would have never known
I had it all but not what I wanted
'Cause hope for me was a place uncharted
And overgrown You'd make your way in
I'd resist you just like this
You can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So I did it myself You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you won't come any closer
You've got to reach out a little more I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS. | | |
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